Before we move off this topic, can I ask if you’re currently a hologram?
Hold on. One sec.
Left a bag of Funyuns down there last week.
Didn’t want to waste our time. Okay, let’s do it. Therapy me.
- Do you need to take that? - No. Just the President.
- Maybe we should turn off the phone. - President of the United States.
Thought you might think that was cool.
You like it when people think you’re cool?
You’re extra analytical today.
- Looking to remodel your kitchen? - Sanchez! I know you’re in there!
When I call you directly it’s an emergency.
I was in therapy. Don’t stigmatize mental health.
How rude of me. Hello,
- I’m President Andre Curtis. - Yes, I recognize you.
Oh? How nice.
It’s not nice to recognize a president, can we go?
In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Erie
and replaced her bones with titanium.
She was then bit by several werewolves,
giving us the ultimate anti-submarine weapon.
Got it.
But the Soviets smuggled in a leprechaun,
who turned Nessie’s bones to silver, giving her the were-version of AIDS.
She sank to the bottom and we assumed she was dead.
But she was only asleep. Now she’s awake... and hungry.
You can’t date my shrink.
- What? Bro, you’re nuts. - Then don’t date my shrink.
I’m not dating your shrink!
She probably doesn’t even like me.
- Stand down, Sanchez! - Tell him to stand down!
- Would you let him bang your therapist? - I don’t believe in therapy!
What the hell does that even mean, you don’t believe in it?
- He’s a scientologist. - Don’t date my shrink!
- And don’t be a Space Mormon! - Why not?
It’s silly!
Sorry, it’s a cheap shot.
Worship how you want.
- I like Tom Cruise. - Thank you.
- Therapy’s working. - Keep it in your pants.
Welcome back to Mr. Stabby!
Let’s get another question from the audience!
Why do people get tickets to his tapings?
It’s a fame-obsessed culture.
- Mr. President. - I’ve got an emergency, Rick.
Another President mission?
You just killed the Loch Ness Monster for him.
-Tell that little bitch to zip it. - You can’t talk to me like that!
Tell him he can’t talk to me like that...
- You can’t talk to Morty like that. - Whatever.
I’ll portal over.
I’ve seen this one anyway. The audience dies.
Rick, thanks for coming.
We’ve got a situation in the state of Virginia.
- Bigfoot. - That’s Montana.
- Nazis. - That’s... everywhere.
That’s an exaggeration, sir.
Jesus, Carl, you too?
The problem in Virginia is... love.
You’ve heard the state motto, "Virginia is for Lovers"?
Well, now they’ve codified it into law.
Virginia has declared itself literally and exclusively for lovers.
- Sounds boring. - It gets worse.
There’s no crime, no poverty, and suspiciously, no complaints.
The governor just hit a hundred percent roval rating.
- And that’s worse? - A hundred percent?
Get on the web, Dwayne,
there’s no such thing as a hundred percent of anything.
America knows and incinerates a cult when it sees one.
But I can’t do that to all of Virginia, so we need to infiltrate.
I volunteer to do acid to prove I’m not a cop.
No lone wolves.
We need a crack team for this one. Rick, meet Fleeflak.
- He might be able to tell the future. - Might?
We’re waiting to find out. Onyx here is a weapons specialist,
and our eye in the sky’s my chief of staff bot, Chi-Chi.
- Sleek. - Yes, an excellent team.
But there’s something missing...
- A psychology expert, perhaps. - Fuck me!
You pretended to need a crack team so you could get Wong’s number?
Get her number?
I own the CIA, if I wanted I could get her genome .
So you wanted what from me, permission? You got it.
It’s a free country, so you’re always saying.
That’s certainly all I’d be willing to pay.
You’re making me choose? You or her?
There’s three billion women on this planet that have nothing to do with me.
- Can you blame them? - You suck.
- Wait! Danger! - Wow that’s great, buddy.
It’s goin’ right on the fridge.
I appreciate your lending your expertise to this mission, Doctor Wong.
- Gun? - No thank you.
I was surprised to receive your call, but excited.
I haven’t done field work since grad school.
We think the people of Virginia have become some kind of hippy sex cult.
I haven’t done that since grad school either.
Doctor Wong, you are a firecracker!
Sir, we’ve reached the border.
Halt!
I’m so sorry, Mr. President, Virginia is closed to visitors.
I thought it was for lovers.
I’m a lover. You guys lovers?
I appreciate that,
but the rest of your country doesn’t need Virginia’s love right now.
You know, the last time a state talked that way,
- we had to have a whole thing. - And?
And this time the other side has nukes.
Let them in.
- Well done, Doctor. - Call me Helen.
As you can see, Virginia has no crime, no poverty.
- All goods are freely given. - Communist bastards.
- And all goods are freely made. - Communist bastards!
So what happened? Tell me the secret.
Well, if I tell you, you’ll tell everyone.
But if I show you, you won’t have to.
How unsettling and cryptic of...
My God, so that’s it?
You’re all just drunk?
Sir! It’s some kind of body snatching hive-mind!
Finally your religion comes in handy!
No! My only chance at meeting Will Smith!
Pick up your phone, asshole, when I call it’s an actual emergency!
Rick?
- Unity. - Take it easy, take it easy...
I can explain, just let me get things under control.
You controlling things is the explanation
and we agreed you wouldn’t do it where I work.
The fuck are you spraying me with?
A new scent I picked up after you left.
- I call it "Separation." - You concocted a me repellent?
Does that look like a bad idea?
Rick, are you in a relationship with the population of Virginia?
We dated.
I just want to talk.
I’m pretty sure you have trillions of cell phones.
No, come back, let’s talk!
Thank god you had a crack team with you.
- Where’s Helen? -"Helen?"
She initiated first name...
Call in a chopper! I’m being cock blocked!
Rick! It’s me.
I was released from Unity.
Cool, so you won’t mind if I spray this.
Wel... I won’t, but we’re surrounded and Unity knows your reload time.
I really believe you and Unity should talk.
How would you know? You’re just a nutritionist.
When you work in nutritionism as long as I have, you get a certain feel...
Calm down. We came because we’re worried about you.
- Why? - We hear things, Rick.
I tried calling but... is it true you’re looking for...
him again?
You almost died last time.
- That’s none of your business. - You’re our business.
You quit that business! And you’re fired from that business!
And I’m using your last paycheck
to cover the stapler you stole which was my heart!
Civil War, baby!
Sorry. That was supposed to be suppressive.
Rick, wait!
- Thank you, Andre. - Thank you, Helen.
It’s time to put these bastards on ice.
- Cue up the dome! - Yes sir!
Do you have a dome the size of every state?
You’ll need a second date for that answer.
Barf.
A nation in turmoil tonight as the entire state of Virginia
continues to be trapped inside an energy dome.
The White House released a statement dismissing
the President’s shouts of "Civil War, baby."
as hyperbole. Shonda, what do we make of that?
- More like Hyper Bully, Tom. - Shit. Shonda came to play.
This President has been in office for how many alien invasions?
Not to mention the mutant turkeys,
the abandoned White House orbiting our planet,
the eco-conscious dinosaurs...
Then he sees Virginia
with its perfect economy and synchronized lawn mowing,
so he shoots them and puts them in a dome?
- Classic Curtis. - Will someone mute the god damn news?
If I want a list of my failures, I’d dig up my mother.
I’m... sorry, that’s a turn off, right?
Guy screaming about his mother in a war room?
Sanchez! America hates your dome! How long is it going to be up?
Hope you marked that. It was his dome in the chopper.
Now it's mine. It will contain that part of Unity until I shut it down,
because... one of us here, Knows how to set boundaries.
Rick, I agree that my accepting this mission was inappropriate,
- when I was invited, I didn’t know... - That he was hitting on you?
I was aware of potential romantic motivations.
And I was open to them.
But I did not know you and I would be crossing paths.
You mean you didn't care. Because on one hand,
you got professional ethics,
and in the other hand you got world-famous schlong.
- Now I get to beat you. - Bring it...
Alien vessel approaching Earth! It’s hailing us!
- Put it through. - I don’t work for you.
You couldn’t, you suck. I’ll do it.
Mr. President.
Lady, you bring that ship to America’s planet,
I’m launching four thousand warheads.
Three thousand of which will turn out to work.
Then I’ll call China and you’re really fucked.
Let’s listen to Unity.
- Are you still here? - Are you?
If I wanted Earth, I would have taken it.
- Bullshit. - Gimme a break.
You cut eight million pieces of me off. It hurt.
You’ve made it clear we can’t be friends, Rick,
but I need to reconnect those people so I can properly release them.
They’re hosting a mindless collective, if it connects to another mind,
- it could become its own colony. - You made a Powerpoint?
I needed you to understand how serious this is.
- I can handle it. - We got the spray, bitch!
Don’t talk to them like that.
- Rick, do you not trust Unity? - Shut up.
- Apologize. - Eat me.
- Do you not trust me, Rick? - Who would?
Let Rick answer.
- Baby, I know you want to help, but... - ...Andre.
- I think we need to move slower. - Slower?
I haven’t even touched you and you’re already back seat war rooming.
- Andre. - Helen.
- Rick? - I don’t trust you.
You ghosted me to focus on your work.
Your work is absorbing the universe.
But it’s my universe. Please go.
We’ll spray the Virginians before they touch anyone.
I’m sorry you lost a finger,
but that’s the price of surprise butt play. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Alien vessel is departing.
Good job, people,
I’ll run the aerosol cannon from the chopper,
we need the optics. Send out a press release.
"President sprays Virginia with the opposite of bullets."
Write it better than that.
You riding shotgun or you staying butt hurt?
Suck my dick and lose my number. You too.
If you invite me to the wedding I will shit in the punch.
He’ll be back. What would you like for dinner?
I’m not interested in taking this further.
What? Why? That’s insane. How can you be a therapist and insane?
Since you’re asking for feedback,
my sincere advice is that you overcome your need for approval.
Okay, you want to play it that way?
There’s an exit tunnel by the ladies room.
It gets lots of use!
And not just by sex workers!
Can you at least tell security I did the dumping?
- You okay? - Yes.
The news said Virginia was a hive... mind.
Yes.
- Was it... - Yes.
My god, dude, whatever,
when’s the last time you saw your therapist...
- Today. - Well, then she sucks!
- No Shit! - Well stop yelling at me!
- I need boundaries! - Well here's a big one, fuck face!
Sorry.
Arriving at the dome, sir.
Good! I don’t need anybody!
- What? - What? I said good!
Tell me when we’re there!
- We are! - Roger that!
Just gonna see how we’re looking!
And there’s Helicopter One with the forementioned gas,
and you can actually see President Curtis inside,
checking his phone to see if this will make people like him.
There he is frowning now, of course, as he realizes no amount of spectacle
is going to undo his last debacle. Shonda?
Not Shonda, she hates me.
It’s true, Tom, I mean, yes,
President Curtis is going to release Virginia from yet another alien threat,
but when they are free to speak their minds,
does he really think they’re going to say "What a President?"
Deactivating dome, sir!
The fact is, nothing short of literally a one hundred percent approval rating
is gonna save Curtis in the next election.
Let her rip, sir!
One hundred percent approval.
Whoopsie! I’ll be right back!
- Sir! - I just gotta get the thing...
How is that going to work?
Give it to me. Give me that hive!
Mother forgive me. Just forgive me. I need it.
- Holy....Shit! - Shit!
Loved ones are gathered here to reunite with the captives,
who appear to walking, quite eagerly, and now running,
in perfect unison, toward them, such a beautiful scene, everyone kissing.
And now everyone that got kisses is kissing everyone else.
Heartfelt, almost disgusting kisses,
the wave of affection is headed in all directions, hello, sir...
The President has saved us. He’s the best President,
the best man, really, ever, his mother was wrong.
Did somebody close the lady tunnel?
- Hey, Rick, was Unity - - She’s gone and I don’t care!
I think she’s back.
Someone order cranky dick?
- I said I was sorry. - No you didn’t.
I said it quietly, shut up.
Now Governor, can you explain why all of Virginia ran in all directions and
puked on everyone in the country?
It’s simple, News Man. They puke in love of President.
We approve of the President. Everyone does.
Sorry, Governor but you’re making me bring Shonda into this.
Thanks, Tom. Governor,
I can assure you that no matter how you personally may feel...
Good president. President good good good.
Are you okay? Josh just vomited into your mou...
I get it now. What a President!
- Approval here! - President approved!
I thought Unity promised to never do this.
That’s not Unity.
- You kids stay inside and lock up. - Dad’s still out shopping.
Then stay inside, lock up and plug your ears.
Where are you going?
Therapy.
Thank God.
You’re rehired.
- Is that Unity? - It’s your boyfriend.
He must have linked with the severed hive-mind.
He’s going to assimilate the earth faster than I can fight it.
- And you want me to talk to him. - There’s no talking to him.
No human mind can keep itself together while controlling millions of people.
- So where are we going? - I need Unity’s help.
So you need to convince her I’m worth it.
- You aren’t. - So lie.
Inbound vessel detected.
- Tell him to turn around. - Tell me in person.
- I’m already here. - God damnit.
- But your ship was just... - You have your gimmicks, I have mine.
This is my therapist, she can vouch for me.
We met. She was me for a second. What do you want, Rick?
Look, it’s clear you weren’t lying
when you said you could’ve taken over Earth
because your finger just took over America.
I need you to help me fix that.
- It took that to make you believe me? - Why should I believe you?
You show up unannounced and hijack a state.
I called you! Multiple times!
You ghosted me.
Rick, is that true?
She dumped me, why would I answer her calls?
Alright, I’m gonna commit a cardinal sin in couple’s therapy here, but Rick,
- I think you’re wrong. - Bringing you was a mistake.
You had an outer space lady who was worried for your life
and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem.
Thank you.
Now you’re asking her to both forgive you and solve it?
Unity, I think the reason Rick brought me here is
that he doesn’t know how to indicate to you he’s changed,
because he’s changing very slowly.
But he is.
Alright, anyone else wanna call me a baby?
Maybe we can drag this out until Earth is fully assimilated?
Alright, so you’re asking for an invasion.
Hold ‘em back! They love me, they just forgot!
They just forgot! They just forgot!
No! Stop! You love me!
Why’re you stopping?
I’ve won you over?
Good! You’re here!
Unity, kept them warm for you.
They went a little crazy but, anyway, seems like this is all over.
Helen, we could grab some coffee?
Wait Unity, what are you doing?
Alright, Rick, that’s everyone.
Nice job, Une.
Well. This has been quite a session.
Hope you do group discounts.
Actually, just send the bill to the White House.
I wouldn’t be doing this for anyone else, Rick.
It was nice to team up again.
No, I mean I wouldn’t be doing it.
I’ve never released hundreds of millions of people before.
This is gonna suck.
Here... it’s over. Nice job, Une.
I’m fine.
You want a painkiller?
I’m on a few of them right now.
No thank you.
I mean, you can hang out if you want,
come see the kids,
I trust you now.
That’s nice but I don’t trust you.
Fair enough.
Hey Rick, it’s Unity.
Give me a call, okay?
Hey Rick, Unity. Look, cards on the table,
I heard you were going after that guy again.
Just made me worried, give me a call.
Look I get it, I dumped you, you’re ignoring me.
But, I care about you and I just wanna know you’re alright.
Hey Rick, listen I’m just gonna stop by Virginia, okay?
I don’t know what state you live in
but I’ll camp out there and try to reach you.
Hope you’re okay.
Hey, Rick. David Miscavige here.
Heard you were saying some really great things about Scientology.
- If you ever wanna meet Travolta... - And playback.
You uh, really went all in on that approval?
Shonda’s gonna eat me alive.
- Fuck em. - Thanks, Rick.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I might need therapy.
And we’re back with Mr Stabby.
What do you say to people who say, "I don’t want to get stabbed.
I want to go a show,
I have a right to not get stabbed."
Well, Gary, I have a right to arms and legs.
But I wasn’t born with those.
And I don’t think that means I should be
boxed out of an industry where, let’s face
it, there’s zero representation of people with swords for arms and legs.
But do you have to take questions from the audience?
People come to my show because they want the experience.
If they didn’t want it, they’d stop coming.
Your show has resulted in the deaths of 58,000 attendees.
Well, you’re talking about it.